This paper proposes Băhēm; a symmetric cipher that, when used with a pre-shared secret key k, no cryptanalysis can degrade its security below H(k) bits of entropy, even under Grover's algorithm or even if it turned out that P = NP. Băhēm's security is very similar to that of the one-time pad (OTP), except that it does not require the communicating parties the inconvenient constraint of generating a large random pad in advance of their communication. Instead, Băhēm allows the parties to agree on a small pre-shared secret key, such as |k| = 128 bits, and then generate their random pads in the future as they go. For any operation, be it encryption or decryption, Băhēm performs only 4 exclusive-or operations (XORs) per cleartext bit including its 2 overhead bits. If it takes a CPU 1 cycle to perform an XOR between a pair of 64 bit variables, then a Băhēm operation takes 4 / 8 = 0.5 cycles per byte. Further, all Băhēm's operations are independent, therefore a system with n many CPU cores can perform 0.5 / n cpu cycles per byte per wall-clock time. While Băhēm has an overhead of 2 extra bits per every encrypted cleartext bit, its early single-threaded prototype implementation achieves a faster /decryption/ than OpenSSL's ChaCha20's, despite the fact that Băhēm's ciphertext is 3 times larger than ChaCha20's. This support that the 2 bit overhead is practically negligible for most applications. Băhēm's early prototype has a slower /encryption/ time than OpenSSL's ChaCha20 due to its use of a true random number generator (TRNG). However, this can be trivially optimised by gathering the true random bits in advance, so Băhēm gets the entropy conveniently when it runs. Aside from Băhēm's usage as a provably-secure general-purpose symmetric cipher, it can also be used, in some applications such as password verification, to enhance existing hashing functions to become provably one-way, by using Băhēm to encrypt a predefined string using the hash as the key. A password is then verified if its hash decrypts the Băhēm ciphertext to retrieve the predefined string.